the games we play

last weekend i finally saw the washington i expected. and unexpectedly, it didn't faze me. we spent our days putting on smiles and making small talk with big wigs. complaining to each other about insincerity and awkwardness but turning on the charm as soon as we saw a board member. and we were good. at night we tried to erase the memory of our facades by playing a new game entirely. we smiled, strutted and performed for a different audience. laughing and flirting, we acted untouchable.

i spent sunday lost in thought as i wandered the mall on day that put san diego to shame. and i knew that beneath the mascara and lip gloss, without cover from alcohol and smoky rooms, removed from the marble edifices and famous monuments, we all want the same thing. we want to be strong. we want to hold our own in a discussion with justice breyer. we want helen bing to remember us as amazing individuals. we want to have fun. we want to dress up on halloween and dance all night. we want to laugh at the situations we get ourselves into. we want to be loved. wholly and completely and without fear of loss or hurt. we don't want to wonder about how he feels. we want to be happy with today.

and if that means pretending, then we will.